@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@briangaar

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

@briangaar

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies