If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
what
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.