(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I can fix him.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*