british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.