@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@careworn

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?