Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.