this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Bros before Ohioes
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: