ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.