@ch000ch

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@ch000ch

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

@ch000ch

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

@ch000ch

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”