Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.