@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

@ch000ch

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

@ch000ch

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family