@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@ch000ch

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

@ch000ch

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand