I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.