The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
– traveling zombies
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.