[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
But I really needed water water water
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.