Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.