Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
M: Are you breathing?
M: Well, there ya go
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW