Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!


Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?


Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?


Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.


Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.


Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.


Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*


How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.