[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Growing up was a huge mistake
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no