I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.