@curlycomedy

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

@curlycomedy

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

@curlycomedy

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

@curlycomedy

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@curlycomedy

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

@curlycomedy

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.