An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.