@dafloydsta

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@dafloydsta

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@dafloydsta

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@dafloydsta

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

@dafloydsta

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.