WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.