I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.