@darksidedeb

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

@darksidedeb

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@darksidedeb

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

@darksidedeb

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

@darksidedeb

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

@darksidedeb

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.