5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.