Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”