@ddsmidt

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

@ddsmidt

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

@ddsmidt

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

@ddsmidt

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

@ddsmidt

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

@ddsmidt

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

@ddsmidt

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

@ddsmidt

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

@ddsmidt

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.