Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.