*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
doing your own taxes
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
A little too much information.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
How do dragons blow out candles?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”