*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
You Might Also Like
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.