@donnie_fairburn

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@donnie_fairburn

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

@donnie_fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

@donnie_fairburn

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

@donnie_fairburn

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

@donnie_fairburn

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@donnie_fairburn

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

@donnie_fairburn

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

@donnie_fairburn

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

@donnie_fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*