@donnie_fairburn Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
@donnie_fairburn I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
@donnie_fairburn [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
@donnie_fairburn Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
@donnie_fairburn Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
@donnie_fairburn If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
@donnie_fairburn That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
@donnie_fairburn [First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
@donnie_fairburn [bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
@donnie_fairburn [Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*