“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes