My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I love art.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”