@duumb

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@duumb

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@duumb

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

@duumb

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

@duumb

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

@duumb

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

@duumb

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]