My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!