@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@eddiesnextwife

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@eddiesnextwife

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

@eddiesnextwife

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

@eddiesnextwife

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

@eddiesnextwife

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

@eddiesnextwife

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!