“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
what’s for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Still my favourite meme.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Terrible heart surgeon.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I think I might have a shower.
Yes, I have a shower.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]