Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’ve had worse
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk