Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free