mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody