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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.