I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]