@elunatyk

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

@elunatyk

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

@elunatyk

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

@elunatyk

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

@elunatyk

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

@elunatyk

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

@elunatyk

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

@elunatyk

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?