@ericonederful

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@ericonederful

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.