I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
S/o to @funTweeters .
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.
P.S. Bring a spider.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.