@ericonederful

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

@ericonederful

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.