*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My heart hurts when you’re not around