First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.