I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Only a mother’s love …
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳