Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Merry Christmas
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters