@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@fuzzlime

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@fuzzlime

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@fuzzlime

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”