gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Favourite diary entry ever
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.