My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.