@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@goldengateblond

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@goldengateblond

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

@goldengateblond

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@goldengateblond

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.