“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
getting old is fun
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract