‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I love art.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.